Not being able to get out of bed, feeling alone as if you died and not one person came to your funeral, having no hope for tomorrow or even the next two years, feeling like I’m stuck in a pit full of problems with no way to get out, blaming yourself for everything, sleeping just to get away from your own mind. This is depression.
Yes. Arrested. At age 16. Why is it that life is a constant downwards spiral, taking you through loops of chaos and sorrow. Sorry if this isn’t the most upbeat post you’ve ever seen but it’s not suppose to be.
If anyone at all is actually still reading this it’s for the sole purpose of “how?” Well kids, the five finger discount isn’t the best deal when those five fingers are being forced into shiny silver handcuffs. I keep reliving seeing the police lights turn on through my review mirror. The thought just gives me an undesirable feeling with the thought “I’m going to hell.”
What was suppose to be the best day of my teenage existence (getting my license that morning) was suddenly ripped to shreds. Could it get any worse? Of course, it’s the first day of summer vacation. I must have broken some kind of record? My dry humor would kick in ever so often and I would imagine myself tweeting “1st day of summer: arrested #YOLO” Or thinking of what I would say when a teacher asked me in the following school year “how was your summer?” Or should I say “probation?” Life is rough, folks.
What am I doing now? Trapped like a prisoner (pun intended) in my own house thinking of all the possible things I could have done with my day yesterday. Swimming.. nah too cold. Work out.. too fat/lazy. When I really think about the past year I realize I have been constantly looking for some “cry for help” situation to occur. Sophmore year began with me getting absolutely shit faced from baccardi and smirnoff, going to a party, blacking out, and when the host’s mother came downstairs and asked me “Have you been drinking?” enthusiastically fist pumping and replying “FUCKK YEAAH!” Or we can go to a little later in the year when I wouldn’t touch any food except once a day which I would then like up in the shower so the gagging noises wouldn’t be heard over the water stream. Then came the smoking everyday phase which then turned to the drinking phase.
When I realized what I really wanted I haulted my obnoxious, self centered actions and dated this guy (we can call him Tim). Tim and I talked since the end of freshman year. This boy is the only guy I have ever had strong emotions towards. I don’t know if I’d call him my first love since I’ve never experienced it at any other time and really “what is love?” After bickering and getting into arguments over the smallest things we broke up… On April Fool’s Day. Yes, he had the balls to do that. After, this came the shoplifting/popping pills satge, which we all know how that ends. Anyways after a long two months we have begun talking again which is ended with me getting arrested cause I am one classy mother fucker. THE END.
